Believe it or not...

I did not want us to divorce.

What I wanted was for my husband to show up, finally.  This was not simply about us being a poor match, this was about how You ran away each and every time it was time to roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty trying to make us strong.  I did my part, and then some…I did real work to understand who I was and how it led to my mistakes, and how I could use that knowledge to be better.  I wanted to have a child with You, I know how silly that sounds now, but I did.  I was just waiting for us to get ourselves strong enough and bonded enough again so that we could be awesome together for a tiny version of us.    But when it was Your turn, You felt above the process, as if nothing was wrong with You.  And we both know how wrong that is – and I never once believed that or said that to You with the sentiment that You were defective and bad.  I encouraged You to engage in the therapy process, because I understand how our life’s experiences add up to make us who we are, and without examining that, we cannot improve and be better.  You were either too afraid that You would find out You were not perfect and to blame for some things, or You did not love me enough to want to invest the energy.  Either way, when I found out You canceled those therapy appointments for Yourself, I knew and understood right then and there that You would never be the husband I so wanted in You.  Instead, You were aiming to live out our marriage the way Your parents live out theirs to this day, and that was not at all what I wanted.  Your new wife doesn’t see this yet, and when she does, I suspect it will be far too late for her…You’ll probably have kids, and her soul will be too dead to do anything about it.  You took a fat girl, with obviously deep seated issues, and You are going to conduct Yourself in exactly the same manner, because You don’t believe that You have ever done anything wrong.  Remember Your grandparents, Fxxxx and Cxxxxx?  How they couldn’t stand each other toward the end of their lives together as a couple?  That’s going to be You and Your new missus; I would bet every single dime I make for the rest of my life on that.  Oh, You’ll both be miserable, and You’ll wonder why You wasted Your life away, and You will pray for death just to make the misery end.

        In the end, You didn’t even feel I deserved closure.  You could not even talk to me civilly, to admit anything, to apologize, to explain what I failed at for You…I gave You fifteen years of my life, good or bad, Jxxxxx Kxxxxxx…I gave You my heart and my soul.  The minute residency began, You gave me nothing but the roof over my head, and the sundries I needed to survive daily.  You never offered Your love, Your affection, Your strength or encouragement.  There was never anything left for me, or You just didn’t choose to give of Yourself.  You are like my parents – You think that if You throw money at it, You won’t have to invest any real time or energy in anyone or anything.  The only thing You dump that kind of energy into is buying music, so that You can live vicariously through other peoples’ sentiments.  It’s a sad and pathetic thing, and yet, I still cry because I miss You…even now.

        You have hurt me deeply, and I am still trying to get over that, admittedly.  I am having a difficult time reconciling the years I gave to You with the fact that You have already moved on so quickly, no matter how stupid an act on Your part it obviously was.  And I don’t mean that in a sour grapes sort of way – I mean that You took almost zero time to process any of this…it means You dated her and carried on with her and built a new marriage on the quick for whatever reason as we were in the thick of our divorce. When did You do any reflection?  Any growing up?  Any attempts to be a MAN taking care of himself?  The answer is You did not, because You can’t.  You cannot live on Your own, You cannot take care of Yourself, and You will not ever be a real man.  I think that You realize this deep inside, and perhaps that is why You have had the problems You had with intimacy in the bedroom.  Your wife won’t ever understand, and she’ll never realize it, because let’s face it:  she’s just happy that anyone wants to see her naked and then get on top of her.

        Yes, my anger at her is not gone.  It won’t be for quite some time, and You should always remember this.  she deserves to hurt and suffer.  she stepped in the middle of something where she had NO business, and I am certain that she will get her due, beyond the punishment that she will one day realize is having You for a husband.  I may not ever have the joy of repaying her for how she caused me hurt, but karma is a different story.  You know what karma does to people who do not learn from their mistakes, right?  Karma will ALWAYS fuck with You…like the moment You look at that newborn when it pops out of her fat, greasy twat, and it is all fucked up and mongoloid.  or, maybe that precious 4 out of 6 matched kidney finally shrivels up, and You find Yourself hooked to a machine for hours each night (try being a loving husband or father then).  Or, maybe Your arrogance and bloated sense of self-esteem cause You to seriously hurt someone You’re caring for, and You lose Your reputation and Your job…

        You lied to me.  You took vows in front of everyone we knew, and You broke them.  You may have stuck it out and did Your duty to me by sheltering me and footing the bill, but You broke every single one of our vows to each other.  It’s why I think of You standing there taking vows with your fat new wife, and I laugh out loud.  I wonder if she thought for just a moment if she was making the right decision…I suspect that she didn’t, because chances are, she’s right where I was when I first met You.  She has not had the luxury of time to show her who You, and Your family, truly are.  Do You feel any guilt whatsoever, I wonder?  I mean, how do You snore so soundly at night?  How long before she becomes too wrapped up in achieving her own goals (like I did), before You go looking for attention from somebody else?  My guess is, it won’t be long.  And how long before she’s staring at You from across the couch because You’re snoring wide mouthed at 630 at night?  All of these things that I had to suffer were not because of me…they were WHO YOU WERE, and who You are has not changed.  It never will…

        You had the power to make this all different right up until the very end, and You didn’t.  I could only do so much by myself, before I realized that I was beating a dead horse for no good.  I wonder if You ever really saw how Steve treated me like his woman before I was even his…and what I mean is, did You notice how respectful, how concerned, how caring and protective, how nurturing and supportive he was to me all of the time?  With nothing to be gained from it in return…he was my friend.  He stepped in and showed me my worth, my beauty, my light, without any agenda or judgment.  He took the time to see me and understand me, and he continues to do so.  He has opened the world up to me, and he has made me believe that I can succeed at whatever I attempt in life because I have integrity and dedication.  He takes nothing from me, wants nothing from me, does not manipulate, is happy to push me out front so that the crowd can praise me…he wants nothing but to get to be the one who holds my hand and make me smile as we walk our path together every day, from here into the next realm so that we can do it all over again.  How does it feel, Dr. K, practice partner, to lose Your wife to a man with so much less than You, but who has so much more to give?  

        Even though I do not want it, there is a place yet in my heart where You are…it’s the part that has had me crying and missing You for so long now.  I want her to be quiet now, that little girl who is scared and alone inside of me.  I want her to know that I will never let her go, and that she is safe to go run and play, because I am going to protect her and always love her.  She may remember from time to time how she used to thrill at Your embrace or giggle insanely with You until tears burst from her eyes, but You are a friend I can no longer keep with me.  I am sad to say good bye to You, both the little girl and me, the adult, because we shared so much for so very long.  But, it is the past, and futures cannot be made if we still keep our feet planted in the past, and I intend to have one beautiful future, a kind of beauty that can never be found with someone like You.

I thank You for sitting down with me for lunch on the grass of that quad that day, Jxxxxx Kxxxxxx…

a bucket full of sorry...

I wish I could say I was sorry to You, and in a way that You would understand that it comes with nothing but love and gratitude from deep within my heart.  My deepest regret is that I will not get to look You in the eye again and communicate to You what my heart needs to tell Yours.  After so many years, so long and so hard, but also full of so many beautiful moments we shared.  I am still not able to reconcile the fact that we went from two people who shared so much vulnerability and closeness to total strangers in a matter of a day.  That is what hurts me most, even now after all that has transpired and all the time that has passed.  I always missed You, even though You always seemed to be right there.  Somewhere along the line, we stopped connecting.  There were so many reasons for this, I know…but did we not owe some grace towards one another as it all ended?  After all that we had endured together, bittersweet good and plenty of bad…You were the one I gave my heart to in a way I had to no one else in my life, and I committed to You with every hope and desire that You and I would grow old together enjoying life and exploring the world.

I look back at all that time we shared, and I feel as though I was the only one who fought for us, who wanted us to be strong and bonded and harmonious.  I tried my damnedest to make myself healthy and better for myself and for You.  I wanted and expected the same kind of commitment from You, but it never seemed to be on Your agenda.  I wanted You to understand me, and I You, and I wanted so badly for us to succeed, despite our flaws and limitations as individuals and as a couple.  But I was alone, and I felt it most of the time.  You made me feel different and less than You, and that made me resent You, and finally despise You.  I was Your wife, Your woman…I wanted You to own that, and respect it, and protect me.  I wanted to know and feel that You had my back, and sadly, I never really felt as though You did.  I will forever be grateful to You for how You took care of me and us by bearing the brunt of our financial life after I decided to leave medicine.  You gave me shelter when I truly needed it, allowing me the time and space I needed to heal myself and get my head right.  I will never forget that, or how gentle and caring You were for me during that time.  

But I also cannot forget all the times You hurt me, in what seemed like very inconsiderate and deliberate ways.  I never felt secure in Your love for me, and that was not something borne out of poor self-esteem on my part – it should have been Your responsibility to make sure I knew and felt how You loved me, so that I could feel secure in it and in us.  Countless times, You made me doubt that and question Your fidelity to me, from as early as our first year of dating.  You watched my weight soar and my sense of self-worth plummet, as a direct result of Your behavior and lack of integrity, and You did nothing to make it right.  If You never wanted me, why did You persist in your relationship with me?  I distinctly remember sitting at home literally sick waiting for Your return from the transplant games in Columbus, so You could decide whether You wanted to continue to be with me.  Why?  Why did I allow You that power over me?  Why did I not love myself more in those moments, and declare right then that You did not deserve me?  What exactly made You worth more than me?  I gave You the option yet again when You screwed around with Your gross anatomy partner and with old college girls and You chose to persist.  Was it because maybe somewhere down deep inside, You enjoyed that power You wielded over me?  The moment I couldn’t lavish You with attention, or someone more preferable came along to give it to You, You happily drank it up…I began to see in You such a narcissist, and how Your entire life was designed to support that aspect of You.   

I understand now why I allowed myself to fall for You, why I stayed with You, and why I manipulated the demise of our marriage.  I accept that I have serious issues with abandonment, with attachment, and with trust.  I know exactly what events in my childhood added up to make me this me.  I continue to work hard on bettering myself in therapy, so that I do not repeat my mistakes.   I have to live with my decisions for the rest of my days, and while I try not to live with regret, I do find myself regretting that I could not be more honest with myself and with You and everyone else so much earlier.  But would it have made a difference?  The people around me who love me tell me that there were two people in this marriage, and that two people made it end, but I cannot help but feel guilty for ever hurting You…because what I keep remembering over and over again lately is how sweet we were before we lost it all.  And then, I remind myself that even though there was sweet, at the very same time, there was obvious condescension on Your part to me, and passive aggressiveness, and competition.  I remember how You would belittle and make jokes at my expense as if it were nothing in front of my family and my friends…how You would pick fights, or go out of Your way to demonstrate that You were right about this or that…how You would not stand up for me when Your father disgraced me and hurt me deeply…how watching the baseball game came before making love to Your new wife on our honeymoon…

If given the choice, I would not choose to be back with You, Jxxxxx Kxxxxxx.  But, if given another choice, I would choose to do it over again with You.  I know how utterly insane and repellant You might find that notion, but I know that we both know now what we did wrong.  We’re older, and we are most definitely wiser.  We were young and we were very naïve when we began, and I think we both thought that we knew more than we did about life and love and what it took to make them work.  Some of my life’s best moments have been with You, I gave You my heart for a very long time before I had to take it back for myself.  I know I was not what You thought You would be getting…I most certainly was not who Your parents wanted for You, and I think that was part of the allure for You in the beginning.  Then, I think once it got real, You couldn’t figure out how to own it and appropriately handle it.   I always felt that You were shameful of me…with Your family, with Your friends from school, with Your work peers.  We would be out, and run into someone You knew, and You would completely ignore me, neglect to introduce me or even acknowledge me.  Do You understand how deeply hurtful that was for me?  To live with that on a daily basis, ground me down to nothing.  And the whole time, I yearned for my old friend, I missed laughing with You and listening to music, cutting class to find a place to fuck.  When did that part of us die?  Because it was well before we got married…