i'm going to begin by warning you right now that this post is going to be dirty and vulgar. if your delicate sensibilities cannot handle it, i welcome you to move along to some other waste of your time...
if you have been following my story from the beginning, you know that i have not kept it a secret that the abhorrent sex life i shared with my ex husband, the good Dr. Kxxxxxx, was one of the primary reasons for our demise as a couple, married or otherwise. when i was in the thick of my miserable marriage, trying desperately to reconnect with my sexually frustrating husband, i had a good friend advise me that if things were not good in the bedroom, they were never going to be good outside it either. i remember balking at that idea, that a marriage would sink or swim merely because of the quality of a couple's sex life; but now, looking back, i see the wisdom in such a tenet. if there is no intimacy, no bond or connection beyond playing house and paying bills, there isn't really a marriage, is there? its roommates.
sex between my ex husband and i prior to our marriage was decent, somewhat plentiful, and vaguely satisfying. after more than a few years together, a little boredom was to be expected. i was always the more adventurous half, and so i was always seeking ways to keep things fresh, like lingerie and toys and role playing. my ex husband had different ways of tackling the issue, i suppose, by seeking the attentions of various other women behind my back. however, that was prior to him developing his speedy 'little problem' in the bedroom. i always wondered how he handled that with the other women he bedded down while with me, because surely, he didn't suddenly gain control and endurance simply with a new pussy.
after we married, the sex we did have, those few and far between occasions, became increasingly strained and strange. my ex husband began to develop certain obsessions and fetishes that became increasingly more difficult for him to hide or suppress. for instance, he had always loved and enjoyed my breasts, but in the last few years we were intimate, his fixation on them turned somewhat uncomfortable for me. he seemed to enjoy suckling, like a child...and he would even call me 'mommy'. it was strange to hear, but in the midst of our passion, it was accepted. it was weird and unsettling, but i understood it on some level -- his mother is a very cold woman, very impassive. i have never seen her display anything but uncomfortable intimacies when she must. she is restrained, with a smile always forced across her face. Freud would have chalked my ex husband's sudden 'mommy' fetish up to his mother's lack of affection during his childhood. i learned to rationalize away a lot of aspects of my husband and his behavior this way.
it's why i was not the least bit surprised that my ex husband went out and got himself a 'best girl friend', in the form of a large, motherly nurse who worked with us at Children's Hospital. she was one of those nurses that kissed his ass right away, and she tried desperately for a while to befriend me (she even made some sexual advances toward me on more than one occasion while we were out socially). when my husband wasn't getting the emotional mothering he required from me, he went straight to her. no surprise, she had huge breasts. she tended to his every boo boo, physical and emotional. if he got a sniffle, she swooped in with IV fluids and would confer with his mother by the hour. they spent a great deal of time together, no doubt recounting all his dissatisfactions with me and plotting his escape. you could always tell when he had been talking to her, because he would grow bold and more insolent. she was his main confidante (makes me wonder how she's coping with his new wife). they would travel together, and then he would try to tell me that 'there was nothing sexual' between them. right...and i'm sure her husband believed that too.
sometime during residency, my husband came to me asking for anal play -- not for me, but for him. he admitted that he enjoyed doing it to himself, and because he knew i was sexually open minded, that i would be open to joining him in the experience. my ex husband was right, i am open minded, and i accepted these desires of his and even happily indulged him; it was the neurotic, shameful, and self loathing parts of him that these things elicited that i despised. he expected me to accept these parts of him, but he could not accept them about himself...so he would come to me begging for me to fuck him in the ass, but he would be riddled with shame about it.
after a while, sex was only acceptable upon my husband's terms -- when he wanted it, where, what position. it always began with some overt and cheesy pick up line, accompanied by an aggressive groping of my breasts. he became sexually bold, but in a sort of condescending manner. when that stopped working on me, he resorted to demeaning me or making me feel shitty about myself in regards to our sex life, as if this would somehow convince me to fuck him. sex became another power play between us, another factor to be manipulated and controlled.
there was a time, very early in our relationship, before all of his philandering, before all of his neurotic, narcisstic abuse, when fucking my ex husband was an enjoyable experience. he may not have been the kind of guy i was into, but he was cute and he was equipped, and back then, he enthusiastically engaged in our escapades with this sort of 'sweet' vigor and passion. of course, according to him, i was his first, so it explains his genuine eagerness. the longer i shared a life with my husband, the more i got to know him, the less i wanted to fuck him. he began to feel like my brother and an authority figure, not a lover.
i stopped fucking my ex husband for a couple of reasons...
- he continued to show more affection and consideration towards other women, even right in front of me, and i just decided it was time to take my dignity back.
- he admitted to fucking a girl in my architecture program, a girl i asked him specifically NOT to go near or get involved with because it would make going to school every day extremely difficult for me. he fucked her in my house, on my couch, in our bed, all weekend long when i was out of town.
- he persisted in refusing to address his premature ejaculation problem that left me frustrated, demeaned, and unsatisfied. he would orgasm in two minutes or less, and then descend into a self deprecating, tearful rant about how he wasn't satisfying me. this, instead of just relaxing and tending to my needs too...
- he became increasingly mean and nasty toward me, and his passive aggressive behaviors made me literally cringe and avoid him on a daily basis. there was no way i was going to lay on my back for him and spread so he could get off and then go back to treating me like shit.
