socially accepted prostitution...

i gave You my heart, very purely and truly from the moment i committed to You way back in 1995. i never cheated on You, i loved You, adored You, lusted after You, made sure You knew it all the time...Your first blow was choosing to bring a girl home that summer night when i had to work, march her right past Your parents and up to Your room, so that You could 'listen to music'. You and i 'listened to music' all the time up in Your room, didn't we? 

i know that i should have walked then, but i didn't. and how was my love and adoration returned to me? You joined volleyball, and then began fucking around with a skank on Your team, so much so that i had to come out to see it for myself, and after four long island iced teas, You watched me drive myself home to lancaster from angola. what a gooood and caring boyfriend You were, Jxxxxx Kxxxxxx...

Jxxxxx, even if You didn't ever touch a single one of the handfuls of girls that You have associated with outside of our marriage, it was the ILLUSION OF IMPROPRIETY on Your part that crushed me. You failed. You failed to make me see or feel Your love. Your only demonstrations of love from the very beginning were monetary and material. do You recall that first christmas? You went way overboard, and You set the tone for the rest of our lives together. it taught me that well, if i couldn't have a real act of Your love, at least You would buy me something...You created a brat in me, the way Your parents and family made a brat out of You.

see? what i have never, ever heard from You is a truly genuine apology, one that reflects that You took me and my heart and You crushed them both from the very beginning, unprovoked. no one around You knows that...how You are an attention whore so badly that You will break commitments and vows and crush people who love You deeply, just so that You can get the fix You need from someone in the moment You need it. it happened again and again, and each time, You had a choice: You could have said no, i have made a commitment to someone; or, if You did not want to be with me, and You were unhappy and just wanted out, You again had a choice to buck up like a MAN and just tell me so that we could part and go be happy. instead, You let it drag out for fifteen years. 

do you know why i really asked for the open marriage? it was not just because Your limp dick became useless after only two minutes in the bedroom...it was because i wanted to know that You would fight for me, that i was worth THAT much to You. You don't believe this, i know, but if You had simply looked at me from across that dining room table that evening when we discussed it, and said, 'i love you, you're my wife, and there is no way i'm going to let you go be someone else's...i will do my part to make you happy.' it really would have been that simple -- all of our lives together -- all i needed to see was that i was cherished and loved above all else in Your life, like i was supposed to be. i would have never moved away when i did. and as for my final infidelities to You, they were absolutely retaliatory for Your treatment of me. i'm no whore...but i am human, and i deserved to be loved and touched and satisfied just like You. You reduced our marriage to prostitution -- every single time we tried to make love, You came in less than two minutes. DOZENS of times. it was as though You were pissed and resentful that You were 'footing the bill', and You felt like i owed You something. whether it was Your sentiment or not, it is exactly how it was perceived. i didn't emasculate You...You did it to Yourself. You have to be a man with a spine and a set of balls before someone can take it from You...You never grew up and got out of that sick bed, Kxxxxxx, and i was tired of waiting for You to come join me so we could enjoy our life as Man and Wife.

i guess i am starting to realize that You -- pathetic and childlike and spineless as You are -- were my first Dominant.  my self imposed inertia in our relationship was my tacit allowance of Your horrendous treatment of me for so many years, especially in the beginning, and long before i went seeking something like that out for myself...

Ah, there's no place like the City of Good Neighbors...

      

     so i have begun to hear from some of my friendly neighbors, and as expected, the sentiments are mostly critical and antagonistic:  i'm apparently a 'fatty hater' with 'no game'.  *nods*

     let me re-iterate something:  i'm not here doing this to get your support, readers.  i don't need any approval or commiseration, and i am not looking for your pity.  i'm here for two reasons:  

     1. to tell my side of the story, whether there is an audience for it or not (though i suspect that there is...which one of you have not had your heart broken by someone you trusted?  someone who perpetrated himself one way to everyone in your life, but behind closed doors was an utter cocksucker to deal with on a daily basis?)  we all have our stories, this is mine.  for once, i'm going to stand up and defend myself, because i'm tired of wearing the Big Bad Bitch badge for a boy who didn't even have the balls to walk away from me when he knew he wanted to, or at the very least should have.  every single person in our life quietly saw me (and still does, i'm sure), and me alone, as the reason that 'poor Jxxxxx' was so miserable all of the time.  i'm here to say that is total bullshit.  i have no doubt i caused that boy some grief, but i'm also certain he fully deserved it, especially when he spent so much of his energy making his own life miserable...and he also deserves to suffer the same humiliation i did all those years at the hands of him and his parents.  so while i may not be able to publicly 'out' his identity here, you've already shown me that you're as savvy at internet research as you are at pithy, flaming comments to complete strangers sharing their story with the world.

     2. to shine a light on why I allowed this.  if you do not care to read what is written here, i welcome you to move along.  perhaps there is a more fitting diversion for you elsewhere on the net (i happen to enjoy iheartchaos.com).  however, i will take a moment to pose the question again:  which one of you has not had your heart broken, for any reason?  yes, i'm nasty here, and of course i'm bitter, and i'm sure as hell angry...but i'm also real, and what i'm thinking, what i'm feeling, and the ways i search to make sense of losing everything in my only known world, is also very real.  and all these things that i'm feeling right now, all these things that are unfortunate parts of who i am right now, are not who i have been or who i will be.  i'm outing myself here just as much as i am him.  this is my way of holding myself accountable too, because when i read what i share here, when i choose to put it out there for you to survey and judge, i'm ashamed of myself.  i kid myself into thinking that i'm striving to become a good buddhist, but even buddhists suffer heartbreak and devastation from time to time too, and no amount of meditation or sweating on the yoga mat holding crazy asanas is going to change the anger or pain or vulnerability they feel.  i know this, because i've been trying ardently for a year now...

        we are all human.  i am, and so is the good doctor, and so are you.  when you choose to entrust your heart to another, and you begin to build your life and who you are around that fact, only to realize that his idea of marriage and your idea of marriage couldn't be more diametrically opposed, it sucks.  there is no other way to put it, really.  so it may be just another 'depressing' story to you, but to someone else, what i share here may reverberate with someone who has experienced the same hurt, maybe someone still trying to make sense of it.  if you are one of those readers, then i say, welcome, and i hope that you can find some solace in my mess of a story.
  

        if making myself vulnerable and opening up to the world proudly, for what is really the first time in my life helps just one person get through their day, i'm good.  i'll suffer the ill informed, often illiterate and myopic commentary of the peanut gallery...it ain't no thang.  but to those of you who may also be suffering this kind of hurt, you're not alone.  you can find your voice too...

post script.  so, City of Good Neighbors, i pose the question to you:  given the limited details supplied to you thus far (yet apparently sufficient enough for some of you to hastily pass judgement), how am i supposed to feel and handle this life changing experience?

post post script.  the new wife is not younger, and no where near being "trim".  and the Doc?  he's pretty crusty now himself... extremely balding, graying, sallow, and puffy.  definitely showing more than his share of years.  he wound up with her because she was the next most accessible thing, for that is his modus operandi:  he doesn't put himself out there for hot, young pieces of ass...he goes for convenience and a sure thing. and trust me, this chick is thanking her lucky stars she got a ring from someone, anyone.