I wish I could say I was sorry to You, and in a way that You would understand that it comes with nothing but love and gratitude from deep within my heart. My deepest regret is that I will not get to look You in the eye again and communicate to You what my heart needs to tell Yours. After so many years, so long and so hard, but also full of so many beautiful moments we shared. I am still not able to reconcile the fact that we went from two people who shared so much vulnerability and closeness to total strangers in a matter of a day. That is what hurts me most, even now after all that has transpired and all the time that has passed. I always missed You, even though You always seemed to be right there. Somewhere along the line, we stopped connecting. There were so many reasons for this, I know…but did we not owe some grace towards one another as it all ended? After all that we had endured together, bittersweet good and plenty of bad…You were the one I gave my heart to in a way I had to no one else in my life, and I committed to You with every hope and desire that You and I would grow old together enjoying life and exploring the world.
I look back at all that time we shared, and I feel as though I was the only one who fought for us, who wanted us to be strong and bonded and harmonious. I tried my damnedest to make myself healthy and better for myself and for You. I wanted and expected the same kind of commitment from You, but it never seemed to be on Your agenda. I wanted You to understand me, and I You, and I wanted so badly for us to succeed, despite our flaws and limitations as individuals and as a couple. But I was alone, and I felt it most of the time. You made me feel different and less than You, and that made me resent You, and finally despise You. I was Your wife, Your woman…I wanted You to own that, and respect it, and protect me. I wanted to know and feel that You had my back, and sadly, I never really felt as though You did. I will forever be grateful to You for how You took care of me and us by bearing the brunt of our financial life after I decided to leave medicine. You gave me shelter when I truly needed it, allowing me the time and space I needed to heal myself and get my head right. I will never forget that, or how gentle and caring You were for me during that time.
But I also cannot forget all the times You hurt me, in what seemed like very inconsiderate and deliberate ways. I never felt secure in Your love for me, and that was not something borne out of poor self-esteem on my part – it should have been Your responsibility to make sure I knew and felt how You loved me, so that I could feel secure in it and in us. Countless times, You made me doubt that and question Your fidelity to me, from as early as our first year of dating. You watched my weight soar and my sense of self-worth plummet, as a direct result of Your behavior and lack of integrity, and You did nothing to make it right. If You never wanted me, why did You persist in your relationship with me? I distinctly remember sitting at home literally sick waiting for Your return from the transplant games in Columbus, so You could decide whether You wanted to continue to be with me. Why? Why did I allow You that power over me? Why did I not love myself more in those moments, and declare right then that You did not deserve me? What exactly made You worth more than me? I gave You the option yet again when You screwed around with Your gross anatomy partner and with old college girls and You chose to persist. Was it because maybe somewhere down deep inside, You enjoyed that power You wielded over me? The moment I couldn’t lavish You with attention, or someone more preferable came along to give it to You, You happily drank it up…I began to see in You such a narcissist, and how Your entire life was designed to support that aspect of You.
I understand now why I allowed myself to fall for You, why I stayed with You, and why I manipulated the demise of our marriage. I accept that I have serious issues with abandonment, with attachment, and with trust. I know exactly what events in my childhood added up to make me this me. I continue to work hard on bettering myself in therapy, so that I do not repeat my mistakes. I have to live with my decisions for the rest of my days, and while I try not to live with regret, I do find myself regretting that I could not be more honest with myself and with You and everyone else so much earlier. But would it have made a difference? The people around me who love me tell me that there were two people in this marriage, and that two people made it end, but I cannot help but feel guilty for ever hurting You…because what I keep remembering over and over again lately is how sweet we were before we lost it all. And then, I remind myself that even though there was sweet, at the very same time, there was obvious condescension on Your part to me, and passive aggressiveness, and competition. I remember how You would belittle and make jokes at my expense as if it were nothing in front of my family and my friends…how You would pick fights, or go out of Your way to demonstrate that You were right about this or that…how You would not stand up for me when Your father disgraced me and hurt me deeply…how watching the baseball game came before making love to Your new wife on our honeymoon…
If given the choice, I would not choose to be back with You, Jxxxxx Kxxxxxx. But, if given another choice, I would choose to do it over again with You. I know how utterly insane and repellant You might find that notion, but I know that we both know now what we did wrong. We’re older, and we are most definitely wiser. We were young and we were very naïve when we began, and I think we both thought that we knew more than we did about life and love and what it took to make them work. Some of my life’s best moments have been with You, I gave You my heart for a very long time before I had to take it back for myself. I know I was not what You thought You would be getting…I most certainly was not who Your parents wanted for You, and I think that was part of the allure for You in the beginning. Then, I think once it got real, You couldn’t figure out how to own it and appropriately handle it. I always felt that You were shameful of me…with Your family, with Your friends from school, with Your work peers. We would be out, and run into someone You knew, and You would completely ignore me, neglect to introduce me or even acknowledge me. Do You understand how deeply hurtful that was for me? To live with that on a daily basis, ground me down to nothing. And the whole time, I yearned for my old friend, I missed laughing with You and listening to music, cutting class to find a place to fuck. When did that part of us die? Because it was well before we got married…
