so i have begun to hear from some of my friendly neighbors, and as expected, the sentiments are mostly critical and antagonistic: i'm apparently a 'fatty hater' with 'no game'. *nods*
let me re-iterate something: i'm not here doing this to get your support, readers. i don't need any approval or commiseration, and i am not looking for your pity. i'm here for two reasons:
1. to tell my side of the story, whether there is an audience for it or not (though i suspect that there is...which one of you have not had your heart broken by someone you trusted? someone who perpetrated himself one way to everyone in your life, but behind closed doors was an utter cocksucker to deal with on a daily basis?) we all have our stories, this is mine. for once, i'm going to stand up and defend myself, because i'm tired of wearing the Big Bad Bitch badge for a boy who didn't even have the balls to walk away from me when he knew he wanted to, or at the very least should have. every single person in our life quietly saw me (and still does, i'm sure), and me alone, as the reason that 'poor Jxxxxx' was so miserable all of the time. i'm here to say that is total bullshit. i have no doubt i caused that boy some grief, but i'm also certain he fully deserved it, especially when he spent so much of his energy making his own life miserable...and he also deserves to suffer the same humiliation i did all those years at the hands of him and his parents. so while i may not be able to publicly 'out' his identity here, you've already shown me that you're as savvy at internet research as you are at pithy, flaming comments to complete strangers sharing their story with the world.
2. to shine a light on why I allowed this. if you do not care to read what is written here, i welcome you to move along. perhaps there is a more fitting diversion for you elsewhere on the net (i happen to enjoy iheartchaos.com). however, i will take a moment to pose the question again: which one of you has not had your heart broken, for any reason? yes, i'm nasty here, and of course i'm bitter, and i'm sure as hell angry...but i'm also real, and what i'm thinking, what i'm feeling, and the ways i search to make sense of losing everything in my only known world, is also very real. and all these things that i'm feeling right now, all these things that are unfortunate parts of who i am right now, are not who i have been or who i will be. i'm outing myself here just as much as i am him. this is my way of holding myself accountable too, because when i read what i share here, when i choose to put it out there for you to survey and judge, i'm ashamed of myself. i kid myself into thinking that i'm striving to become a good buddhist, but even buddhists suffer heartbreak and devastation from time to time too, and no amount of meditation or sweating on the yoga mat holding crazy asanas is going to change the anger or pain or vulnerability they feel. i know this, because i've been trying ardently for a year now...
we are all human. i am, and so is the good doctor, and so are you. when you choose to entrust your heart to another, and you begin to build your life and who you are around that fact, only to realize that his idea of marriage and your idea of marriage couldn't be more diametrically opposed, it sucks. there is no other way to put it, really. so it may be just another 'depressing' story to you, but to someone else, what i share here may reverberate with someone who has experienced the same hurt, maybe someone still trying to make sense of it. if you are one of those readers, then i say, welcome, and i hope that you can find some solace in my mess of a story.
if making myself vulnerable and opening up to the world proudly, for what is really the first time in my life helps just one person get through their day, i'm good. i'll suffer the ill informed, often illiterate and myopic commentary of the peanut gallery...it ain't no thang. but to those of you who may also be suffering this kind of hurt, you're not alone. you can find your voice too...
post script. so, City of Good Neighbors, i pose the question to you: given the limited details supplied to you thus far (yet apparently sufficient enough for some of you to hastily pass judgement), how am i supposed to feel and handle this life changing experience?
post post script. the new wife is not younger, and no where near being "trim". and the Doc? he's pretty crusty now himself... extremely balding, graying, sallow, and puffy. definitely showing more than his share of years. he wound up with her because she was the next most accessible thing, for that is his modus operandi: he doesn't put himself out there for hot, young pieces of ass...he goes for convenience and a sure thing. and trust me, this chick is thanking her lucky stars she got a ring from someone, anyone.
post post script. the new wife is not younger, and no where near being "trim". and the Doc? he's pretty crusty now himself... extremely balding, graying, sallow, and puffy. definitely showing more than his share of years. he wound up with her because she was the next most accessible thing, for that is his modus operandi: he doesn't put himself out there for hot, young pieces of ass...he goes for convenience and a sure thing. and trust me, this chick is thanking her lucky stars she got a ring from someone, anyone.
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