let's talk in law's...

my ex husband's parents are a special kind of evil...

these are people who are concerned only with appearances, with status, and with themselves.  i've never met more superficial, duplicitous people in my life.  they live in a big house on the lake, but it is old and worn.  they have the money to make it really beautiful, but my ex father in law's idea of fixing a hole in the wall after plumbing work is taping the wallpaper back over the hole, and my ex mother in law can't help but compulsively paint every room some shade of blue.  they are dyed in the wool cheapskates, and they are incredibly tacky.  they drive nice cars, and they have a boat, and they take vacations, and generally, they live way beyond their means, but don't want you to know about that...

upon meeting my ex husband's parents, i was immediately struck with how overly saccharine his mom was, as if it were a forced farce.  his dad barely looked in my direction.  they were always polite, but they had a way of staring through me with condescension.  his younger sister was a manufactured brat obsessed with keeping up with her friends at all costs.  i knew i was unlike anyone their son had previously brought home...in fact, i can safely say i was his first real girlfriend, rather than a female friend (of which he had in droves, especially after that kidney rejection and transplant).  

it was not long into our relationship before i found out what my ex father in law, a philanderer himself, thought of me.  see, during our freshman year of college, my ex husband and i had driven to toronto to see a concert, and after refusing to safely spend the night at my parents' home rather than drive the thirty miles back to his house, he predictably crashed his jeep at the foot of his driveway.  he lived, obviously, and i felt horribly and to blame.  my husband thought it a wise idea to share with me the 'lecture' he got from his father, wherein he called me a 'stupid polack' who 'was no good'.  this was an alcoholic irishman from south buffalo, a  gleefully racist man who enjoyed old Amos n Andy reruns and nasty jokes,  who had stacks of horribly demeaning pornography in his basement office,  a man who showered his son's friends with more attention and affection than he did to his own son.  from that point forward, facing my father in law and trying to play nice was excruciating.  i wanted to defend myself, but knew that it would only convince him further of what he had already set his mind to.  i endured his demeaning glances and his refusal to look me in the eye when speaking to me for fifteen years...

it killed me to have to bite my tongue all those years, as i watched them reveal their true selves.  these are people who chastised my husband and i when we opted to take a higher level french class our first year of college -- "Why do a stupid thing like that?!" his mother, the teacher, snapped at us.  "You should be taking the easiest classes you can so that your grades stay up."  i could not believe what i was hearing.  this woman, who had dedicated her career (the few years she actually chose to have a career between raising her brats) to educating and shaping young minds, was trying to convince me that choosing to learn and challenge myself was a 'stupid' idea.  uh huh...

perhaps that is why when it came time for their own daughter to apply to high schools, they had to BUY her way into the private one she so desperately HAD to attend.  all of her more well-to-do friends were going to Nardin Academy, and she just had to be a part of the group.  she was rejected handily.  as a response to her emotional crumbling, her parents went back to the school's administration and had to make a donation to get her reconsidered.  i shit you not.  

or how about the time my ex husband happened to be 'snooping' around his parents' bathroom and he came across a prescription to treat a sexually transmitted disease?  we couldn't determine if it was prescribed to his mother, or his sister (who just began college), but in either case, EWW.  however, looking back on it now, and considering the knowledge i now possess, i would say it was likely meant for his mother.

when i met with my divorce lawyers for the first time, and they inquired as to my story, i found out just how reprehensible my ex father in law really is.  when my legal team heard that this man was actually my father in law, they looked at each other and let out a sympathetic chuckle.  you know why?  it just so happens that my ex father in law is a KNOWN adulterer amongst his peers in the local legal community (and also somewhat of a joke).  so that means, all those years i watched my poor ex mother in law sit on the couch all weekend because my father in law was 'out with clients' or 'traveling for clients', he really was fucking around on her as i suspected.  little boys sure grow up to be their daddies, don't they?

my family, while most certainly not without our own bullshit and flaws, in contrast, treated my ex husband like they birthed him themselves right from the get go.  it was why i pursued him -- he was the first thing i did that they emphatically approved of and adored.  his parents would abandon him each year on his birthday, so that they could vacation.  they would leave him behind because of school or his health, and my family would make sure he had his favorite birthday dinner, a cake, and gifts.  he was loved warmly by my family.  his parents tolerated me like a cold, and made me feel as welcome as one...

my ex husband's family played a huge role in the demise of our marriage, undoubtedly.  i would try to implore my ex husband for some help, some defense, some good words on my behalf, anything.  i was, afterall, his wife.  but Dr. K doesn't roll that way, never has, likely won't ever will.  there was no bond there, no sense of being on the same team or in it together, and it was not for my lack of trying.  he just couldn't stand up for himself...to anyone, let alone his parents.  so how could i expect him to stand up for me in this case?  it is why i stopped going to his family functions altogether, especially after his sister completely marginalized me from her wedding.  i was so happy for her, but my help was not welcomed.  the big fat momma nurse from Children's that my husband clung to, however, she was a huge part of the day.  

that was my last straw.  it was the last time i was going to allow his family to make me feel outside and inferior, especially when it wasn't even close to the truth.  not these hypocritical assholes, no way. i didn't even go to that bitch's wedding...skipped it altogether.  and when i finally showed up an hour into the reception, and had to answer to their fake concerns about 'where were you?', i  simply walked away laughing...

and i'm still laughing.

the list...

1.  Morrissey
2.  Hugh Jackman
3.  Liev Schrieber
4.  Clive Owen
5.  Elvis Costello
6.  Richard Tompson
7.  Bob Mould
8.  Joe Strummer
9.  any member of The Hold Steady
10.  various Boston Red Sox

this is my ex husband's, the Good Doctor Kxxxxxx's that is, self proclaimed and self affirmed list of "men he would go gay for in an instant' -- his words, NOT mine.

he never openly admitted he was homosexual, or even bisexual, though there were plenty of indicators that i chose to ignore while others around us did not (like a penchant for inserting things into a below the belt orifice...yup, you read that correctly).  i routinely had acquaintances or friends inquire as to whether he might 'go that way', but i always poo poo'ed the idea, if only because his ego could never handle the shock of that kind of life.  and, he would never, ever be able to face his father, who's opinion and estimation were worth more than gold. he lived his life each day trying to impress his father, who only seemed moved by Jxxxxx's more successful friends.  i used to feel so sorry for him, because i knew what it was like to be desperate to make a mark with one's own parents.

but this list?  this is something he would talk about openly, whenever it came up and in front of all kinds of friends.  he thought it was a lark...he celebrated it.  now, don't get me wrong here, there is nothing wrong with the motivation behind such a list, i would have accepted this part of him openly and warmly, i assure you -- this is not just me hurling nastiness out there out of hurt and anger.  and it was the duplicity of his nature that bothered me day after day.  he assumed roles and endorsed sentiments only if they made him look good for others, or if they helped make him feel superior.  

if my ex husband thought for a second that kissing another man, or more, would garner him more adoration, he would have dropped to his knees in a heartbeat...of that, i am certain.

Believe it or not...

I did not want us to divorce.

What I wanted was for my husband to show up, finally.  This was not simply about us being a poor match, this was about how You ran away each and every time it was time to roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty trying to make us strong.  I did my part, and then some…I did real work to understand who I was and how it led to my mistakes, and how I could use that knowledge to be better.  I wanted to have a child with You, I know how silly that sounds now, but I did.  I was just waiting for us to get ourselves strong enough and bonded enough again so that we could be awesome together for a tiny version of us.    But when it was Your turn, You felt above the process, as if nothing was wrong with You.  And we both know how wrong that is – and I never once believed that or said that to You with the sentiment that You were defective and bad.  I encouraged You to engage in the therapy process, because I understand how our life’s experiences add up to make us who we are, and without examining that, we cannot improve and be better.  You were either too afraid that You would find out You were not perfect and to blame for some things, or You did not love me enough to want to invest the energy.  Either way, when I found out You canceled those therapy appointments for Yourself, I knew and understood right then and there that You would never be the husband I so wanted in You.  Instead, You were aiming to live out our marriage the way Your parents live out theirs to this day, and that was not at all what I wanted.  Your new wife doesn’t see this yet, and when she does, I suspect it will be far too late for her…You’ll probably have kids, and her soul will be too dead to do anything about it.  You took a fat girl, with obviously deep seated issues, and You are going to conduct Yourself in exactly the same manner, because You don’t believe that You have ever done anything wrong.  Remember Your grandparents, Fxxxx and Cxxxxx?  How they couldn’t stand each other toward the end of their lives together as a couple?  That’s going to be You and Your new missus; I would bet every single dime I make for the rest of my life on that.  Oh, You’ll both be miserable, and You’ll wonder why You wasted Your life away, and You will pray for death just to make the misery end.

        In the end, You didn’t even feel I deserved closure.  You could not even talk to me civilly, to admit anything, to apologize, to explain what I failed at for You…I gave You fifteen years of my life, good or bad, Jxxxxx Kxxxxxx…I gave You my heart and my soul.  The minute residency began, You gave me nothing but the roof over my head, and the sundries I needed to survive daily.  You never offered Your love, Your affection, Your strength or encouragement.  There was never anything left for me, or You just didn’t choose to give of Yourself.  You are like my parents – You think that if You throw money at it, You won’t have to invest any real time or energy in anyone or anything.  The only thing You dump that kind of energy into is buying music, so that You can live vicariously through other peoples’ sentiments.  It’s a sad and pathetic thing, and yet, I still cry because I miss You…even now.

        You have hurt me deeply, and I am still trying to get over that, admittedly.  I am having a difficult time reconciling the years I gave to You with the fact that You have already moved on so quickly, no matter how stupid an act on Your part it obviously was.  And I don’t mean that in a sour grapes sort of way – I mean that You took almost zero time to process any of this…it means You dated her and carried on with her and built a new marriage on the quick for whatever reason as we were in the thick of our divorce. When did You do any reflection?  Any growing up?  Any attempts to be a MAN taking care of himself?  The answer is You did not, because You can’t.  You cannot live on Your own, You cannot take care of Yourself, and You will not ever be a real man.  I think that You realize this deep inside, and perhaps that is why You have had the problems You had with intimacy in the bedroom.  Your wife won’t ever understand, and she’ll never realize it, because let’s face it:  she’s just happy that anyone wants to see her naked and then get on top of her.

        Yes, my anger at her is not gone.  It won’t be for quite some time, and You should always remember this.  she deserves to hurt and suffer.  she stepped in the middle of something where she had NO business, and I am certain that she will get her due, beyond the punishment that she will one day realize is having You for a husband.  I may not ever have the joy of repaying her for how she caused me hurt, but karma is a different story.  You know what karma does to people who do not learn from their mistakes, right?  Karma will ALWAYS fuck with You…like the moment You look at that newborn when it pops out of her fat, greasy twat, and it is all fucked up and mongoloid.  or, maybe that precious 4 out of 6 matched kidney finally shrivels up, and You find Yourself hooked to a machine for hours each night (try being a loving husband or father then).  Or, maybe Your arrogance and bloated sense of self-esteem cause You to seriously hurt someone You’re caring for, and You lose Your reputation and Your job…

        You lied to me.  You took vows in front of everyone we knew, and You broke them.  You may have stuck it out and did Your duty to me by sheltering me and footing the bill, but You broke every single one of our vows to each other.  It’s why I think of You standing there taking vows with your fat new wife, and I laugh out loud.  I wonder if she thought for just a moment if she was making the right decision…I suspect that she didn’t, because chances are, she’s right where I was when I first met You.  She has not had the luxury of time to show her who You, and Your family, truly are.  Do You feel any guilt whatsoever, I wonder?  I mean, how do You snore so soundly at night?  How long before she becomes too wrapped up in achieving her own goals (like I did), before You go looking for attention from somebody else?  My guess is, it won’t be long.  And how long before she’s staring at You from across the couch because You’re snoring wide mouthed at 630 at night?  All of these things that I had to suffer were not because of me…they were WHO YOU WERE, and who You are has not changed.  It never will…

        You had the power to make this all different right up until the very end, and You didn’t.  I could only do so much by myself, before I realized that I was beating a dead horse for no good.  I wonder if You ever really saw how Steve treated me like his woman before I was even his…and what I mean is, did You notice how respectful, how concerned, how caring and protective, how nurturing and supportive he was to me all of the time?  With nothing to be gained from it in return…he was my friend.  He stepped in and showed me my worth, my beauty, my light, without any agenda or judgment.  He took the time to see me and understand me, and he continues to do so.  He has opened the world up to me, and he has made me believe that I can succeed at whatever I attempt in life because I have integrity and dedication.  He takes nothing from me, wants nothing from me, does not manipulate, is happy to push me out front so that the crowd can praise me…he wants nothing but to get to be the one who holds my hand and make me smile as we walk our path together every day, from here into the next realm so that we can do it all over again.  How does it feel, Dr. K, practice partner, to lose Your wife to a man with so much less than You, but who has so much more to give?  

        Even though I do not want it, there is a place yet in my heart where You are…it’s the part that has had me crying and missing You for so long now.  I want her to be quiet now, that little girl who is scared and alone inside of me.  I want her to know that I will never let her go, and that she is safe to go run and play, because I am going to protect her and always love her.  She may remember from time to time how she used to thrill at Your embrace or giggle insanely with You until tears burst from her eyes, but You are a friend I can no longer keep with me.  I am sad to say good bye to You, both the little girl and me, the adult, because we shared so much for so very long.  But, it is the past, and futures cannot be made if we still keep our feet planted in the past, and I intend to have one beautiful future, a kind of beauty that can never be found with someone like You.

I thank You for sitting down with me for lunch on the grass of that quad that day, Jxxxxx Kxxxxxx…

I never cheated on you...

I want You to know that from the beginning, up until that fateful weekend I went away, I NEVER cheated on You, with anyone.  No matter how I was tempted to do so out of retaliation because of how You repeatedly crushed me by lavishing Your affection on other women, I never acted upon it.  What changed my mind was Your obstinate selfishness when it came to our intimacy.  You had every power to take control of Your "issue", I tried to help You and be supportive with You many, many times.   

     But it was years…it was full months and years that went past us, wherein You would just take what You wanted, and then leave me to take care of myself as You sat there all pouty faced about it.  After dozens of times, how was I supposed to react?  How could I be expected to continue to coddle Your childish behaviors, when what I needed in bed was a man, MY man.

     Jxxxxx, it became systemic for me – after so long, after so many instances of infidelity on Your part (physical or emotional), after You neglected and refused me sexually on our honeymoon (as I sat in 100 dollars’ worth of lingerie purchased especially for the occasion), and after Your repeated childish antics in the bedroom, I felt as though I had nothing inside of myself that was worth loving, because my own husband and best friend didn’t seem to find anything worth loving in me.  I was never the priority with You when it came to intimacy – You may disagree, but Your actions spoke loudly.  For years, we could have afforded a new, more comfortable bed for us, a bed that was not Your childhood sick bed, so that I could sleep next to my husband, and it was never important enough for You, though You whined about it…

     By the end of our marriage, I had such little respect for You, because You persisted in behaving like a child, rather than meeting me as an adult ready to tackle our life.  I stopped investing in You, and I know You stopped investing in me.  You were a coward, and You still are.  You are afraid to take what You want and need, because You are afraid of disappointing Your parents.  Your present, new marriage included.  I assure You, no matter how much everyone says they are happy for You, for having finally found ‘the right one’, they also secretly are looking at You and feeling sorry for You.  You’re afraid of losing everyone’s adoration and praise.  It was always the thing You moaned about most loudly, especially when someone else was the center of attention.  I saw it flash in Your eyes the night my architecture professor told You that I had talent and could go far on my own merit.  I heard the reluctance in Your voice on the way home that night as it came up again…like You doubted it, or at least You didn’t want to admit it or agree with him.  What kind of partner is that?  How did that make You a supportive husband?  You know, it takes more than just paying the bills, right?  You took every single opportunity You had to cut me down, and when my own business that I began from scratch did not make millions from month one, it was not successful enough for You.  Your expectations were ridiculous, and in those moments, You have never resembled Your pathetic father more.  Because I used to watch how he treated Your mother…for years, I felt very sorry for her.  Even way back, when we were dating, I saw the warning signs in You, and yet I ignored them.  And yet again, I am left to question why?  Why??  You were no better than me, there was nothing special about You…You weren’t even my type.  But somehow, I drank the Kool-Aid everyone else around You had been sipping, and I believed that You were someone I wanted to be near.

        For fifteen years, You convinced me that I was a horrible person.  My self-esteem was so low, I could not hold my head up and look people in the eye.  My therapist noted it immediately – that my affect was like that of a battered woman who was afraid to speak to anyone.  It shocked me to hear her tell me this, but then I slowly began to realize she was correct.  You never hit me, but You struck me hundreds of times with Your thoughtless actions and Your lack of support.  I believed I had no worth, that I was a stupid, miserable, cynical, cold hearted bitch who would never find happiness or peace.  Your family’s treatment of me reinforced this – I know they were always civil to me on the surface, but I knew otherwise.  And why did I know otherwise?  Because my beloved husband would tell me how his family felt about me:  the dumb pollack bitch that was ruining their son’s life.  You know what I say to that?  What a fucking CROCK.

     I got my distance from You, and You know what I found?  I am a blissfully good and warm hearted girl, and I’m smart and funny as fuck…I make others smile and giggle, and I go out of my way to help people around me, even strangers.  I have found that I can and achieve whatever I set out to do, no matter what it is.  I work hard, I have talent, and I have many, many skills.  I think it’s the one quality in me that You were always quietly jealous of – I can do ANYTHING I set out to do, and do it with at least some success.  I take risks, and I put myself into foreign situations that can be scary, that I might fail at, and I face them head on.  You do no such thing.  You never have, and the minute You are asked to or have to, You crumble…because Your ego cannot stand the possibility that You might not succeed, and someone else might.  It’s another narcissist trait of Yours, and that one single handedly killed us, I want You to know that.

     By the way, have you pitched a nice tantrum yet for the new wife?  I can't wait for her to enjoy all those dirty, nasty little idiosyncrasies of Yours...