predictably, i have come to really recoil from the idea of weddings and marriage...
i recently found it necessary to attend one, since my boyfriend's brother married. i found the experience to be like suffocating under a pile of heavy wool blankets. bearing witness to this 'commitment' that these two people were making together, observing all the effort they made to create their special day, watching them celebrate with their loved ones, made it very difficult not to think back to my own wedding day...
when i think about all the many hours, and the many, many dollars, that were spent planning and creating that day, it makes me nauseous. none of it meant anything, in the end. all the tiny details i labored over, the fancy private club, the flowers and pumpkins everywhere, the Italian silk gown, the platinum rings, the vows written and spoken for all to hear, it was all folly. we were two people, clinging to one another out of fear -- nothing more -- and we engaged willingly in this charade of commitment. it was like, the bigger and more elaborate the affair, the more we believed it was true and right. it wasn't...it really never, ever was, and yet, onward we marched.
despite my realizing that i was not meant to be with my ex husband, its difficult not to allow myself to become incredibly jaded about marriage...and even love. my experiences thus far have demonstrated to me how fickle it all is, how love can be turned on and off like a light switch, even in two people who really do care deeply for one another. any day, any moment, one of the two can decide it no longer suits them...that its easier to run away, than to stand by one's heart. it doesn't seem fair. i think its the universe's cruelest joke...
maybe its why i ended up being drawn into the BDSM lifestyle...i wanted to be truly considered by my partner, deeply understood and appreciated for who i am. a Dominant or Master chooses his submissive or servant, and not for just any old reason. she is selected for her obedience, her ability to serve, her willingness to please, her impressionable nature, among other things. she is cherished...and yes, she is used. there is a contract, and a collar, and the bond is not dissolved unless it is agreed upon by both parties. the more i explored the various dynamics within the culture, the more it appealed to me.
discovering my submissive qualities was no surprise to me, but it was thrilling to me, because i felt as though i had finally found myself...like looking in the mirror for the first time and really seeing who you are. i understood myself within the context of BDSM almost immediately: i was a type A perfectionist, overachiever who's parents directed her every move in her early life. the only physical affection or contact i ever got from them was an exasperated grab of my arm, a spanking, or a slap across my face. my experience of love was that it was violent and extremely conditional. it came as no surprise to me that i responded so strongly to these kinds of expressions of love...it all made perfect sense to me.
my ex husband is a submissive, but not for the same reasons i am. he is merely weak and lacking any will. his submission is automatic and natural. mine is complex, and almost paradoxical -- i've spent my life waving the flag of feminism and striving to be an independent woman in a patriarchally oppressive world, and here i am, getting moist because a big strong man could come along and tell me to drop to my knees in such a way that i can not help but obey. and its not just any man who can trigger such a response in me. he must be worthy -- of me, and of my submission. my ex husband was never worthy, of either, and to be fair, he never asked or demanded my submission outright. instead, he found subtle ways to exert control over me, manipulating parts of my life or my psyche so that i had no choice but to rely upon him.
i hated him for that...for all the little ways he tried to keep me underneath him somehow. it is what i look back on and have the most acrimony about with him. for instance, the household maintenance was my job, naturally. getting him to participate in the upkeep of the house was like battling a child to clean his room, only this was a grown ass man with a mortgage. i was not allowed to use the bank card, and therefore had to rely upon him for almost every necessity. he would go to the store with a written shopping list, and he would purposely return with only half of my requested items, or the wrong ones entirely. repeatedly. sex, of course, was expected. i could be fondled and accosted at any moment, in the midst of any task, so that he could take five minutes to get off and go back to what he was doing. i would have to beg for money for the smallest things, and yet he would go out with other girl friends for expensive dinners at Left Bank. and then, there was the way in which he would emotionally beat me down, any goal i set, any task i set out to do, was derided for some reason. it was clear that i was not good enough for the good old, Doctor Kxxxxxx.
so why did he marry me? i never pressured, in fact i invited him to move along if he wasn't sure about me or any of it. i made it clear that i did not plan to have children, and so he should part ways if that was important to him. he and i came to so many crossroads over the years, and each time, we chose to move forward together.
better yet, why did i stay? what was i so afraid of? because surely, being alone had to have been better than what i endured for so long with him...
i want to believe that love is real, and it can be pure and good. i want to believe that it is possible for two people to come to regard and care for each other so deeply that no force can tear them apart. i want that bond with someone. i want someone to wake up each day with me, just wanting to make each other smile and laugh, even when life is shitty...because how shitty can it be if we're together, right? i want to be someone's reason, and i want our love to be epic and eternal. i don't want to have to kneel and beg for it, or be humiliated into it, or degraded for it.
and i certainly don't need a wedding, or even a ring, to know that i have it.
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