doctors are just like you...

i'm always puzzled when i come across folks who still put doctors up on some golden pedestal.  i find it to be a funny psychological remnant of our Victorian past, this idea that physicians are somehow 'better' or 'more godly' because of the knowledge and skill they have collected.

so i'm going to let you all in on a little secret:  doctors (and sometimes especially doctors) are NO different than the rest of y'all.  there is absolutely no reason to elevate the egos of doctors everywhere, and in fact, the more humble you keep us, the better.

for the most part, we are a highly refined group of basket cases (please note that this is an obvious generalization, and does not apply to each and every physician.  there are many, many good people doing good doctoring out there, and i sincerely hope that each and every one of you is lucky enough to find one.), pushed to our intellectual, emotional, psychological, and occasionally, physical limits.  my years in medical school were like the co-ed high school experience i missed out on -- it was catty, judgemental, clique-y, full of large egos and weird personalities, and was often very regressive.  it was difficult for me to look around at my peers from day to day and think that in a mere couple of years, they would hold the fate of lives in their seemingly immature hands.

of course, it was a pressure cooker environment, meant to really weed out those who could adequately complete the training and take on the job from those who just could not cut it.  presumably, everyone there is considered smart enough, otherwise they would never have made it past the admissions process.  its the other, more taxing, parts of the job that they need to make certain we can handle...the stress, the grueling hours, the anxiety, the ability to perform ethically at all times, the inevitable failure felt when a life is lost, the neglect of one's own health and well being, the abandonment of one's own personal desires and agenda.  i could go on, but i believe you get my point.  i used to believe that anyone, as long as they had the mental acuity and the determination, could go to medical school and become a doctor like i did.  i still believe that, but only partly...

i guess it depends on your definition of 'doctor'.  if you're of the mind that doctors have a great and grave job to do, and they should approach their work like a vocation, then you and i are in agreement.  but, if you're of the opinion that they have a great, grave vocation and should be treated like rock stars who's egos are pampered and who's wallets are fat, then i'm sorry, you lose me there.  there was a day, not too long ago, when a doctor hung his shingle out over his door, set his own prices, and administered his 'care' with full independent authority.  those days, much to the disappointment of a lot of the older physicians who i found to be my teachers, are long over.  managed care and insurance systems have obliterated that mode of practice, but it seems they haven't erased that old mindset, from the populace or the doctors being cranked out of medical schools from year to year.

my ex husband is a pediatrician, not even a specialist, and he believes he walks on water daily.  he has been known to literally stomp his feet in tantrum over the fact that other 'lesser' professions can produce a higher salary or more recognition than his.  he has been overheard proclaiming that he 'saves lives every day' on more than one occasion. he does not believe, however, that the rules apply to him.  for instance, he is a routine violator of HIPAA regulations that have been created to protect patient confidentiality.  there have been countless times over the years, dating way back to medical school, wherein i have had to remind my husband that he should not be talking openly (or at all) about that patient or his/her case here at this family party or here at this restaurant.  he enjoys bragging about who's children he sees, especially if they are in the sports community.  on another most recent occasion, he openly recounted details of a very high risk case involving the child of a common friend in front of people who knew her -- details that she would not have wanted people to know -- all because he was the treating physician.  Doc Kxxxxxx's ego is his first priority, most certainly NOT your child's care or your privacy.  

this kind of arrogant narcissism is absolutely toxic when it is inherent in a physician.  it will harm, and it will kill.  there is no doubt that physicians should categorically be held to a higher standard, in all aspects of their life as well as their practice.  they begin to drill this fact into our heads from the first day of med school -- don't even accept something as simple as an ibuprofen on the ward from a nurse, because that can be perceived as a future dependency issue;  don't go out for dinner on your night off, have a few drinks, and then drive home; don't screw around with your superiors, for it will demonstrate poor ethics.  yes, if we want to enjoy the high esteem of the populace we treat, we must uphold ourselves to a more honorable life.  

and i wholeheartedly agree with what i was taught.  the rules must apply.  you all see what happens when doctor's behave badly and get away with it (Dr. Corasanti, anyone?)...i can promise you that my ex husband will be amongst that group of bastards.  and then all those nurses who shower him with adoration, all those peers who think he's just a super stand-up guy, all those unknowing patients' families, will finally see who he is under his contrived facade.  this is a man who routinely goes out with friends for drinks, and then gets behind the wheel of his car and drives.  where is the higher standard in that?  this is a hypocrite with a kidney transplant, who routinely binge drinks himself into a stumble and then a stupor.  this is a man with extremely questionable morals who is a repeat adulterer, and he sees and treats YOUR children, Western New York.

listen, smarts doesn't make a doctor.  if there is an M.D. after their name, yes, you can be assured they have the knowledge and the training to treat you or your loved one, but it most definitely does not guarantee you a good doctor, and that is unfortunate.  it really is a personal choice for each of us, the kind of physician we want to partner with for our own care, and to those amongst you who find it is just as important the kind of person your doctor is outside the clinic when he/she is not wearing their white coat, i say good for you.  take control of your own care, and be sure you know who your doctor is and what they espouse.  and, if you should ever suspect that your HIPAA rights have been violated by your physician, the nursing staff, or support staff, i encourage you to seek recourse with the Department of Health and Human Services.  you can find a link to their HIPAA violation page, along with information on how to file a complaint, below...

http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/hipaa/complaints/hippahowtofile.pdf

today...

i do not miss you.

i do not miss your boorish face and that stupid, tired and crusty old goatee that has been hanging off it for literally decades now...

or your wannabe dark framed glasses that you think make you look like Elvis Costello.  they don't, they just make you look like an old man trying way too hard to appear young and hip.  the same goes for all your ridiculous hats you like to wear...you've been a poser from the day i met you, and you'll be one til the day you go into the ground.

i do not miss that giant bald head of yours.  it left greasy marks on everything it touched...the pillow cases, the back of the couch cushions, your hats...disgusting.

i do not miss that smug smile you like to flash, full of arrogance and self importance.  you're fooling no one.  everyone sees how you crack at the first sign of pressure and stress, and your meltdowns are never pretty...oh, and get yourself to a dentist!  the plaque is literally dripping off of your yellow teeth.  kissing you was never a pleasure...

i do not miss watching you preen and prance around in the mirror, taking more time to compose yourself than a self obsessed teenage girl before a date.  the obsessing over which tie to wear, when you end up wearing the same three week after week.  the way you couldn't pass a mirror without stepping back to admire yourself in the reflection was nauseating, because you care so much about how others estimate your appearance, yet...

you don't care that you burp and fart unapologetically in front of anyone, and take a shit with the bathroom door wide open (by the way, i'm sure the new wife must love this).  you're disgusting, and the smells and sounds that emanate from your carefully composed body are like a metaphor for who you are...a sack of shit trying to hide itself in J.Crew and Brooks Brothers.

i do not miss your prima donna antics, especially when it came to your salary compared to someone else's.  the way you carry on because 'you save lives everyday' (really doc?  wiping noses and cleaning up puke and shit is saving lives, huh?), and should therefore be celebrated with fanfare and obscene amounts of money is absolutely ludicrous, and you need to get over yourself.  besides, if that is what you expected out of your career in medicine, you chose the wrong the field, buddy...and the wrong town.  yes, my brother the car salesman, can and does make twice as much as you in a year easily, and if you don't like that fact, well, as they say, 'tough titties, my friend'.  stop your fucking whining, go do the job YOU chose, and be thankful that you still have it.  because, sooner or later, that big mouth of yours is going to break HIPAA laws YET AGAIN, and this time, someone is going to report you.

i do not miss spending time with you.  you became boring so quickly, i don't know when it happened, but it made you as dull as a rock.  it wasn't just that we had so little in common anymore, you really had no passion or interest in much of anything.  except buying records...like another aging hipster wannabe.  living vicariously through the talented expressions of others rather than your own.  you became sad and pathetic...flat.  i encouraged you so often to find things to make you happy, don't just be your job, but you ignored me.  it wasn't that we grew in different directions, it was that you chose to stop growing or evolving at all... 

i do not miss the way you would take the stress of your day out on me.  it was a never ending roller coaster that rode the waves of your emotional lability from day to day.  one moment you were giving me the cold shoulder and refusing to open up to me, and the next you would be lashing out at whomever was closest...me, your mother, your friends.  your passive aggressiveness knew no bounds.  i would give you a grocery list, and you would purposely bring home the wrong things time after time.  you would hold money over my head, like i was a child begging for an allowance.  there was a time when i wanted to be your solace, but you were as inconsolable as a child always.  i wanted a child, but i was damned if it was going to be a spoiled, grown ass man...

i do not miss your neurotic, histrionic personality, or your need to be coddled at every turn.  i am not your mother, and no matter how badly you wanted me to be, i wasn't going to treat you as if i were.  i was not going to greet you at the door each day you came home from work wearing an apron and handing you a beer.  i was not going to feed your flaws, the way everyone else around you did.  you can't conduct yourself and behave like a child, and then expect me to respect you like a man.  its just not how it works.  your constant worrying about everything, your inability to cope with the slightest obstacle or challenge, your inadequacy to make decisions for yourself, were all what led me to lose all respect for you...as my husband, as someone trying to be a man, as a doctor, as my friend.  

i do not miss your judgements or your criticisms of me or anything that i held important.  any effort i made, any challenge i took on for myself, any dream i wanted to pursue, was always accompanied by your very vocal doubts and denigration.  when i began my business from scratch, you told me not to bother going out and trying to sell anything, no one would buy.  you always had a 'yeah, but...' to give to me whenever i tried to take control of my own life.  both of us never perceived you to be a Dominant in our relationship, but you most definitely wielded your psychological and emotional power over me.  you aimed to make me feel so worthless and tiny, less than you, lucky to have you.  what was it, Jxxxxx?  were you just so damn afraid that i would be better than you at anything?  so good that i would eclipse who you are, and leave you?  was it your way of keeping me under your thumb?  because it worked...for years.

i do not miss feeling like i would be the one to have to protect us if we were in any kind of peril.  i do not miss being the only one who could properly swing a hammer.  i do not miss your widemouthed snoring that echoed through the house, driving me into another bed just to get some rest.  i do not miss the way you showed more affection to every other woman except for me.  i do not miss how you gave gifts only to receive recognition, or how you only helped others when it meant something good for you.  i do not miss having to beg you to pick up your messes or spend time with our dog.  there is so much, Jxxxxx, so much...

but most of all, i do not miss watching you put yourself up on that pedestal, Doc.  you, and everyone else around you who doesn't know any better yet.  i know there will be a day that one by one, they will.  they will see what a superficial fraud you are; what a self centered, narcissistic child you really are...and they're going to wonder, just like i did, how they went so long suffering your bullshit.