I never cheated on you...

I want You to know that from the beginning, up until that fateful weekend I went away, I NEVER cheated on You, with anyone.  No matter how I was tempted to do so out of retaliation because of how You repeatedly crushed me by lavishing Your affection on other women, I never acted upon it.  What changed my mind was Your obstinate selfishness when it came to our intimacy.  You had every power to take control of Your "issue", I tried to help You and be supportive with You many, many times.   

     But it was years…it was full months and years that went past us, wherein You would just take what You wanted, and then leave me to take care of myself as You sat there all pouty faced about it.  After dozens of times, how was I supposed to react?  How could I be expected to continue to coddle Your childish behaviors, when what I needed in bed was a man, MY man.

     Jxxxxx, it became systemic for me – after so long, after so many instances of infidelity on Your part (physical or emotional), after You neglected and refused me sexually on our honeymoon (as I sat in 100 dollars’ worth of lingerie purchased especially for the occasion), and after Your repeated childish antics in the bedroom, I felt as though I had nothing inside of myself that was worth loving, because my own husband and best friend didn’t seem to find anything worth loving in me.  I was never the priority with You when it came to intimacy – You may disagree, but Your actions spoke loudly.  For years, we could have afforded a new, more comfortable bed for us, a bed that was not Your childhood sick bed, so that I could sleep next to my husband, and it was never important enough for You, though You whined about it…

     By the end of our marriage, I had such little respect for You, because You persisted in behaving like a child, rather than meeting me as an adult ready to tackle our life.  I stopped investing in You, and I know You stopped investing in me.  You were a coward, and You still are.  You are afraid to take what You want and need, because You are afraid of disappointing Your parents.  Your present, new marriage included.  I assure You, no matter how much everyone says they are happy for You, for having finally found ‘the right one’, they also secretly are looking at You and feeling sorry for You.  You’re afraid of losing everyone’s adoration and praise.  It was always the thing You moaned about most loudly, especially when someone else was the center of attention.  I saw it flash in Your eyes the night my architecture professor told You that I had talent and could go far on my own merit.  I heard the reluctance in Your voice on the way home that night as it came up again…like You doubted it, or at least You didn’t want to admit it or agree with him.  What kind of partner is that?  How did that make You a supportive husband?  You know, it takes more than just paying the bills, right?  You took every single opportunity You had to cut me down, and when my own business that I began from scratch did not make millions from month one, it was not successful enough for You.  Your expectations were ridiculous, and in those moments, You have never resembled Your pathetic father more.  Because I used to watch how he treated Your mother…for years, I felt very sorry for her.  Even way back, when we were dating, I saw the warning signs in You, and yet I ignored them.  And yet again, I am left to question why?  Why??  You were no better than me, there was nothing special about You…You weren’t even my type.  But somehow, I drank the Kool-Aid everyone else around You had been sipping, and I believed that You were someone I wanted to be near.

        For fifteen years, You convinced me that I was a horrible person.  My self-esteem was so low, I could not hold my head up and look people in the eye.  My therapist noted it immediately – that my affect was like that of a battered woman who was afraid to speak to anyone.  It shocked me to hear her tell me this, but then I slowly began to realize she was correct.  You never hit me, but You struck me hundreds of times with Your thoughtless actions and Your lack of support.  I believed I had no worth, that I was a stupid, miserable, cynical, cold hearted bitch who would never find happiness or peace.  Your family’s treatment of me reinforced this – I know they were always civil to me on the surface, but I knew otherwise.  And why did I know otherwise?  Because my beloved husband would tell me how his family felt about me:  the dumb pollack bitch that was ruining their son’s life.  You know what I say to that?  What a fucking CROCK.

     I got my distance from You, and You know what I found?  I am a blissfully good and warm hearted girl, and I’m smart and funny as fuck…I make others smile and giggle, and I go out of my way to help people around me, even strangers.  I have found that I can and achieve whatever I set out to do, no matter what it is.  I work hard, I have talent, and I have many, many skills.  I think it’s the one quality in me that You were always quietly jealous of – I can do ANYTHING I set out to do, and do it with at least some success.  I take risks, and I put myself into foreign situations that can be scary, that I might fail at, and I face them head on.  You do no such thing.  You never have, and the minute You are asked to or have to, You crumble…because Your ego cannot stand the possibility that You might not succeed, and someone else might.  It’s another narcissist trait of Yours, and that one single handedly killed us, I want You to know that.

     By the way, have you pitched a nice tantrum yet for the new wife?  I can't wait for her to enjoy all those dirty, nasty little idiosyncrasies of Yours...